Depression, Anxiety

[creative]

A question from the other side of depression which I hope you could point me in the right direction.

How does one breach the subject with someone who wont listen? This is a genuine question as I dont want to put details on a public forum just yet. The signs are there, and have been for a while and I have been worried for a long time but I have never been able to breach the subject without her getting very annoyed!

[snopony]

Originally Posted by creative

A question from the other side of depression which I hope you could point me in the right direction.

How does one breach the subject with someone who wont listen? This is a genuine question as I dont want to put details on a public forum just yet. The signs are there, and have been for a while and I have been worried for a long time but I have never been able to breach the subject without her getting very annoyed!

a few days ago, I was in the same position, signs were there, the person is about as stubborn as they come, but a very good friend. I knew something was wrong, the conversations were going downhill .... I actually had to research about "red flags" as to wether i acted or not or were doing the right thing. ALL the warning signs of self harm were there. I tried to contact their family first, (they live interstate) no response, so I sent around the police for a welfare check.
Long story short, the person turned out to be ok BUT refuses to ever talk to me again. I don't regret acting on the info provided to me, and I guess its all I can do from a different state BUT, as the poster in the quote asks.... how do you broach the subject? any way you can. You do kinda run the risk of ****ing them off if you go to say, their family or a close friend... but weigh that up against the consequences if you didn't at least try and something happened.

[Uncle Niceguy]

My life over the past few weeks made me remember this thread, especially since I am dealing with quite a bit of stress due to:
1. The rental l live in being for sale ( lease ends on 26th)
2. Struggling to find full time work (to the point where I am applying for apprenticeships)
3. The end of my main income due to my previous employer picking some one else to save money on wages (junior staff member).
All these things are not ideal for me at all plus the fact I failed my tafe course for the second year running. :-(

Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk

[GT0132]

Originally Posted by Uncle Niceguy

My life over the past few weeks made me remember this thread, especially since I am dealing with quite a bit of stress due to:
1. The rental l live in being for sale ( lease ends on 26th)
2. Struggling to find full time work (to the point where I am applying for apprenticeships)
3. The end of my main income due to my previous employer picking some one else to save money on wages (junior staff member).
All these things are not ideal for me at all plus the fact I failed my tafe course for the second year running. :-(

Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk

Don't worry mate. Things will come good. You're due for some good luck.

[TheSneakiness]

Well I've entered my dark place again as the missus has now said we are separating and there's no turning back now.

Just awesome when I think things are finally back on track you hit this ****in huge speed bump.

[Uncle Niceguy]

Don't worry Rapid axe, you'll get through it if you ever need someone to talk to or some good company l live in Brisbane, although I am quite poor haha

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[buggerlugs]

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/i...3d6a71cdb19563

[TheSneakiness]

Originally Posted by buggerlugs

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/i...3d6a71cdb19563

Did see that on the book of face today and yeah it's not nice.

I recently reconnected with my cousins on my dad's side and had a huge chinwag to one this morning on the train who even though we haven't seen or spoken for approx. 25 years but it was like we'd never lost touch, there's just something there.

Did mention about toxic relationships and depression and I'm glad I've gone back into counselling (first session tomorrow) cause I could see her pain from when she mentioned it and I realised I have to get me sorted, not only for me first and foremost but for my son and now my cousins.

I have said I will support my son's mother as much as I can as she doesn't really have friends out our way and we have an understanding and bond (love???) that probably won't be broken.

[TheSneakiness]

Just a quick update.

A LOT of things were pointed out to me today and I think I was trying to argue my case to my counsellor on why I did those things to my partner and she used an analogy for me that hit me pretty hard with the tough childhood I had with strained relationships especially from my mother and father (the analogy happened to be a positive from back then)

I am going to have to process this fairly carefully, a wrong foot would cause me more trouble than its worth.

[BENT_8]

I've hit rock bottom again recently.

My father has been layed up in Hospital with Oesophagus and stomach cancer for the past 4 weeks, i actually found out about it an hour before i got the phone call that my daughter had been in a car accident which many of you may have read of on here.

Well, to say i come from a dysfunctional family would be an undrstatement. I have 6 half siblings who are the most money hungry, self centered bunch of bastards that you could ever have the disadvantage of meeting.
They hate Dad with a vengence and have harboured that hate for 40 yrs.

With Dad in Hospital with terminal Cancer and at 82, he doesnt have long and nothing can be done but make him comfortable, Well, one of my Sisters has decided its a good time to make herself comfortable and as a result she has convinced Dad to hand all of his affairs over to her and had his will changed.
Shes already taken his brand new Hyundai Getz and transfered the rego, taken all of his furniture and tools and has his key card in her purse.

She convinced him that there was a necessity to leave someone out of his Will in order to prevent anyone from contesting what he has left to them (he had left 5 of them all 10k each and was going to have his unit split 3 ways between the controlling Sister, her son and me, but now thinks they want more due to her fear campaign) and their 'family lawyer' has gone along with it.
Guess who got struck out of it, yep, me.

Not that the thought of getting nothing is my concern, its them bastards getting it all that is ripping me apart and the fact that he is convinced that leaving me out is somehow beneficial to stopping them from contesting it for everything. Aparently after the unit is sold they will see me right...

I've done a bit of research on contesting Wills and i cant see anywhere that says leaving one child out of it will stop it from being contested.

To top it all off my Sister has arranged to take him home to her house for his final days and i doubt i will see him again, i took my wife and kids to see him on Sunday night as it was to be his last night in Hospital

So as i sit here i face the loss or my dad at any moment, i've probably layed eyes on him for the final time and its killing me knowing that everything he has worked hard for his whole life is about to be given to those who hate him the most.
I wont go to his funeral as they fought like cat and dog at their mothers and im not sitting through that with my kids. They actually had to get a court order over their mothers ashes as the controlling Sister kept them to herself and in the end had to get a photo of her tipping them out at the beach to satisfy the court.
I can only imagine where Dad will end up.
She's even admitted that she will have his dog put down when he takes his last breath, so no one else gets it, what type of person takes it out on a dog ffs.
The only thing stopping me from taking the lot out is my love for my wife and kids.
In the state im in i could do it without blinking an eye.

Sorry for the rant.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

I wont go to his funeral as they fought like cat and dog at their mothers and im not sitting through that with my kids. They actually had to get a court order over their mothers ashes as the controlling Sister kept them to herself and in the end had to get a photo of her tipping them out at the beach to satisfy the court.
I can only imagine where Dad will end up.

So i caved in and saw my Dad off today, he passed away last week.

True to form they couldnt let him go without making a scene, bastards.

[BENT_8]

Was listening to this last night, so appropriate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APXwdkdhC2c

[Sam_Boss260]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

So i caved in and saw my Dad off today, he passed away last week.

True to form they couldnt let him go without making a scene, bastards.

Sorry to hear that Bent. I would have gone also, just to show my respect to my dad, forget the others and their actions. Disappointing that they made a scene though. Hold your head high and just try and take the high ground.

You know what they say.... when one lies with a dog who has fleas, you know what happens.....

[superyob]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

So i caved in and saw my Dad off today, he passed away last week.

True to form they couldnt let him go without making a scene, bastards.

You did the right thing Bent 8, in my opinion...

[xpvanman]

Anybody got any suggestions what to do when you lose your wife very suddenly at 49, then 3 months later, you lose your job ?

For the last 18 months I have been dragging my *** around here, but lately it has been really coming to a head....something I cannot see a way out of.

[Charliewool]

Tragic situation Bent 8.... Maybe worth talking to a solicitor before your Dad passes?

[snopony]

This situation is more common than most people think. Take comfort in knowing your father won't have to witness what is about to happen and that is a good thing.
Depending on what state you live in, you have a year to contest. Doesn't matter if they convinced him to change the will..you are a child of the person. A short sharp letter showing intent to contest within the timeline is usually enough for the other parties to work out it will cost them a motza to not include you. Then walk away from the crap and continue on your life. People like that arent worth wasting thought processes on. Just a side note, I would be getting the dog off the property NOW.

[BENT_8]

Thanks for the advice guys, it is truely appreciated.

To be honest im not interested in contesting it, the money wont replace him, nor ease the pain. My only concern is that someone who proclaims to be a loving Daughter could take advantage of a dying old man on his death bed, the thought of it makes me want to inflict harm.

Contesting it would just lower me to their level and i aint going there, i'll walk away with my pride intact and head held high.

Unfortunately the dog is already in her posession, poor buggers already seen off my Dads best mate a few years ago and dad promised to care for him. Sad to think that he will see dad off and then be put down for no reason other than spite.
At least he'll be with them up there, wherever there is.

[raised by monkeys]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

She's even admitted that she will have his dog put down when he takes his last breath, so no one else gets it, what type of person takes it out on a dog ffs.

Keeping in mind you don't want to contest in the best interest of family matters, but a dog being put down; it may be my biased thinking who would prefer the company of a dog, but maybe you could speak to the RSPCA?

The fact that a dog has to die sickens me as much as the rest of your dilemma, and I feel for you.

[snopony]

Having the ability to identify when you are lowering yourself to their standards and being aware of it is a very very good mindset to have! lots of people don't have that awareness.

And yeh, I value a dog over some of our other choice family members, and thats not a bad thing either.

[Sam_Boss260]

Bent, that is just crap !! I feel for you mate, I really do. Having lost dad last year (mum was 4 years ago) I am so grateful that my siblings and I were so amicable and we had no issue in sorting out the affairs. Parents passing are emotional enough, you don't need that crap. Having said that, the story with my wife's family is another story, with some similarities to yours but nowhere near as bad.

As has been said, get some advice now. If for anything to give you peace of mind and to send a warning shot to your controlling sister to let her know that you won't be taking this lying down. See your father, even at her house. Do not let her get in the way of the final moments with your dad. Once he is gone he is gone and you don't want that on your conscious. Spend time with him, say what you need to say and be at peace with him and what is about to happen. I had the same with my dad, and told him things that I hadn't said to him in 40 years. F*&$ your sister, this is your dad we are talking about.

And yes, go and get the dog, or have someone "leave a gate open".

Hang in there.....

[TheSneakiness]

Agreed with the above post. If my heart could shatter more than it is now reading that made it happen.

[xpvanman]

Simply put - we were soul mates.

We had often discussed in later years - say 30 years in the future - if one of us died, it would be nice if the other one went as well, so the one left behind would not be left suffering.

Unfortunately I am now the one doing the suffering...

Being told on Xmas eve that Karen was going to die had the impact like being hit in the face with a shovel. I did not eat or sleep for 7 days - and it took it's toll...The day before she died, my sister came out here to sort out some paper work that the solicitor required in regards to her will.... she could tell something was not right and I had something planned.. called the police when she went home..

So I was in the hospital when Karen died...but in another section

3 months later I was made redundant due to the affects of the carbon tax...so since then I continue to pace...this house is just on 3 years old - we had just finished building it when my wife got sick, so there should be a deep trench in the tiles now from all of the pacing I do.

[nuthin' fancy]

Xp,

I'm so sorry for what you have had to and continue to endure. I don't know what I would do.

There are a lot of places you can go whether if Lifeline, Beyond Blue, even the funeral parlour you used will have guideance and grief counselling.

Don't think you have to ensure it alone. Don't choose to try and do it on your own.

John

[Smoke Pursuit]

Yes there are also places that run CBT programs too, which can help you process your thoughts / talk to other people who are feeling down / or similar to you. Some of these places you can stay at while you are doing their programs which can help with other things like sleep, diet and general mood.

XP dont give up mate! I am sure there are people in your life that care about you!

[xpvanman]

Thanks guys for your input.

Really don't know what the next option is...

Before she died, we had a few talks in regards what she wanted me to do for her after she gone -

1) Finish off the old house (We had a rental that was half finished) - Done

2) Look after her cats - Done

3) Be there for her daughter (she regards me as her dad - her real father vanished from the scene years ago with no contact since ) - this is another problem...

As her mother and her was very close, she has gone totally off the rails...smoking, taking drugs & hanging out with guys in their 30's - she is 21 now and will not listen - there is nothing I can do in regards to this - and I feel like I have let my wife down.

4) When I thought I was ready, she wanted me to move on with my life, but not to forget her - that will never happen. I thought I will try this option....boy is there some mixed up women out there ! 1 seemed ok - but if she got depressed she would really wig out - then try and find the solution at the bottom of a wine bottle...Banish that one ! Another one had breast cancer 6 years ago...instant alarm bells ring ! she had been clear for the last 4 years, so ok she could be a friend.... she gets a call from her doc one day...yep cancer is back....cannot go there again...

So both of these experiences have really made me miss what I once had. But the question I have been asking myself this week is -can I afford to potentially lose somebody else in my life ? or if I stay single the rest of my life - die a lonely old man with a broken heart ?

I had a mate suicide at the beginning of the year from a very trivial matter. His life was so easy compared to mine.

[fordomatic]

Originally Posted by xpvanman

Really don't know what the next option is...

Your next option is to speak to a professional and get some help mate, there is absolutely zero shame in having a chat to someone about your situation. Sometimes we just need to put stuff out there like you have and if you speak to the right people they can give you tools that will help. I've had some dark days myself and have struggled, i went and saw people who gave me the vision to look forward again. It wont change over night but that first step of picking up the phone is the most important one.

Hop off the forums for now and pick up the phone mate, you will thank yourself you did in 10 years

[TheSneakiness]

Originally Posted by xpvanman

So both of these experiences have really made me miss what I once had. But the question I have been asking myself this week is -can I afford to potentially lose somebody else in my life ? or if I stay single the rest of my life - die a lonely old man with a broken heart ?

Dealing with a separation right now where I put my whole being into caring and loving a woman more than anything in the world (which lead to me pushing away ALOT of people including direct family) I'm kind of in the same boat however I feel that my heart is starting to lean towards loving again. Just thinking about her depresses me as I thought we would be together until we died.

I wouldn't stay single for too long only because it makes your mind wander to places you don't want to be. Things you don't want to think about. You mention you have a daughter from a previous relationship, has she been there for you?

Your wife's daughter however is a different story and requires intervention but the sounds of it. She will be hurting as much as you but chooses to act out instead of reflecting. Both dangerous in their own ways. If you are able to pull her aside and try to make her see sense.

The other thing is to swallow your pride and go to the GP or call Beyond Blue or something like that. Ever since I was made to move out at a younger age I decided then and there that I wouldn't accept anyone's help. This situation I'm in now made me realise that it doesn't hurt to seek help. In the last month I've been to counsellors and GPs because I need to help me, mentally and physically.

I do feel better about myself now and have subconsciously taken steps to better me.

Do the same. It doesn't hurt to ask.

[BLUEYBA]

Originally Posted by xpvanman

Thanks guys for your input.

Really don't know what the next option is...

Before she died, we had a few talks in regards what she wanted me to do for her after she gone -

1) Finish off the old house (We had a rental that was half finished) - Done

2) Look after her cats - Done

3) Be there for her daughter (she regards me as her dad - her real father vanished from the scene years ago with no contact since ) - this is another problem...

As her mother and her was very close, she has gone totally off the rails...smoking, taking drugs & hanging out with guys in their 30's - she is 21 now and will not listen - there is nothing I can do in regards to this - and I feel like I have let my wife down.

4) When I thought I was ready, she wanted me to move on with my life, but not to forget her - that will never happen. I thought I will try this option....boy is there some mixed up women out there ! 1 seemed ok - but if she got depressed she would really wig out - then try and find the solution at the bottom of a wine bottle...Banish that one ! Another one had breast cancer 6 years ago...instant alarm bells ring ! she had been clear for the last 4 years, so ok she could be a friend.... she gets a call from her doc one day...yep cancer is back....cannot go there again...

So both of these experiences have really made me miss what I once had. But the question I have been asking myself this week is -can I afford to potentially lose somebody else in my life ? or if I stay single the rest of my life - die a lonely old man with a broken heart ?

I had a mate suicide at the beginning of the year from a very trivial matter. His life was so easy compared to mine.

That's a lot to deal with in your life and it has caught up with you. In my opinion I would see the GP to go and see a psychologist and talk through what you're going through. The will teach you to use strategies in coping with everything you've gone through. This is only a suggestion but it may be best to get yourself mentally right (this is an illness) before going into a new relationship. At the moment there is no clarity in your thinking and you need to sort that out. With you step daughter you may want tell her what you're going through and see a psychologist together.
All of these are suggestions and I hope it helps you in making positive steps to healing. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Also remember that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.

[Sam_Boss260]

^^^^^^^ What he said !!