[DFB FGXR6]

I'm reading a novel at the moment that is dragging up some extremely painful memories. One that I really should stop reading for the sake of my own self, but I need to ride it out.

While the author listed trigger warnings at the beginning, I didn't put much thought into it. In particular, a car accident and subsequent death of a close friend, then quite graphic descriptions of suicidal depression and self-destruction that followed that event.

In the first months of high school, I had a feud going with this guy in my home group. For whatever reason, he and I butted heads. But................we ended up best friends. Even the teachers couldn't figure that one out.

We were each other's shadow, both of us hardly popular, so we had each other's back. Both of us had heath struggles, me with diabetes and he with ADHD. We were both in the school theater production, not me on stage though as I was into the technical side. We would spend weekends at each other's house, camping, learning to drive a car and motorbike.

One day, he and his mother surprised me by announcing that he was leaving school to work for his uncle as an apprentice diesel mechanic. That had always been the plan for him, I guess he wanted to waste no time getting started, while I was happy to go to the end of year 12. We then began living in different worlds and drifted apart. Working 9 to 5 under a truck and covered in oil was miles apart from studying, writing English essays and the horticulture and woodworking I was pursuing. After that, and after I finished school, we would cross paths, but only here and there.

I will never forget the random Saturday afternoon when one of my other mates turned up unannounced. I was chirpy, but he was solum and insisted I sit down. I asked why, only to be told of the horrible car accident that claimed my former best friend's life. I can't remember the details though, other than the car rolled and claimed him instantly, his immaculate and hard-earned green VS Commodore a write off. The funeral came and went, I can barely remember it. We would have been 19 or 20 at the time, I'm 37 now.

I have never really spoken about this since. The nightmares and dreams continue to haunt me though, causing me to relive what I lost over and over. Likewise reading this bloody book. If there is a positive, I guess the book prompted me to finally vent this from my system.