[BA-XT]

I can unfortunately relate to quite a few people on this thread. I've had episodes at 9, horriblemone at 14, 17, 19 and 21. Min appeared for no reason..... simple chemical embalance causing me to stay awake for days feeling nauseous and unable to eat practically anything. Horrible, horrible experience.

But the last few years have got me. I'm with the love of my life again - we were seperated for 8 years - and just bought our first house. I'm fortunate that I have a job. One week on, one week on stand by still fully paid.

We moved over to the west of Melbourne, and my mum won't talk to me. She thinks I've abandoned her. So haven't seen her since January. But that's a different issue.

I've been on these Cipramil tablets for 20'years with annoying side effects. No sex drive, drowsy a lot of the time, and I get periods of not being able to sleep with then makes me feel sick and exhausted throughout the day.

I have no kids. I wanted one but my ex decided to leave her job, and between my problem of not being able to have sex properly and her low egg count it didn't happen. We spent about $10k on IVF and injections for her. I'm nearly 39 now and my current partner has polysistic ovaries so we talked about it but never tried. TBH with how tired I can get, I don't think I'd be able to handle a child. So that ship has sailed.

I'm an only child. Dad died of cancer when mum was pregnant. So if I lost my partner I'm totally alone. I have a few "lose" friends that I occasionally see. On the outside I seem like a quiet friendly person. I love a laugh but deep down I'm done. Like really done. I love my partner but if something happened to her what would I do?

I've stop caring about most things. Recently got a hair cut and beard trim but don't car about my appearance . Used to be a gym but lifting some decent weight. Not can barely even think about going back. The only things that give me any joy is my partner and my car - I'll never sell it because of the memories I've made with it.

But most days are dark. Negative thoughts about being alone. Because of my lack off sex drive who's going to want to be with someone like me? As I've got older the though of being alone is very real.

Someone before said they try things and fail. This is me. Nearly everything I attempt ends in failure. One of the only big things I've bought / done right is my car. It's been brilliant. Last week I tried to dig a yukka plant out. FAIL. Now I have a dirty big hole in my back yard. I can't even screw a bolt in. No skills in wood working / fixing things. Nearly everything I try ends in failure.

Land Cruiser I bought had a bad engine, transmission and hidden roof rust. Just everything I try ends in failure. After 20'years it's starting to get to me. I'm in Security. Day shift job but not great pay. It's an ok job but my partner earns a lot more. My medication also makes my head foggy at times, so I'm not a very quick learner.

Sometimes it gets too much and has been especially bad recently. The thought of having nobody is terrifying. The worst part is knowing that the depression is getting deeper but it's hard to stop. Always having the thought that at some stage I could be completely alone. My next stop will be my Drs to try another medication. Apparently once you've had 3 or more episodes of depression, you're on antidepressants for life. I've tried multiple times to get off them, but it ends up the same. No sleeping, dry reaching, days off work until I get back on them. If it wasn't for my partner who is very understanding, I think I'm done.