[Grega]

not been in this thread for a long time. i hope those of you who are still with us are well.
i've endured the last couple of years and have seemingly been 'well' until late, where, i'm pretty much back to where i started.
visited a psych yesterday who told me i have a narcissistic trait (not to others) but as a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt - i shut everyone out ; irony ; i'm one of the most giving people you'll ever meet.

i've been put back onto anti dep meds because my brain is ****ed and doesn't work normally ie: you don't fit into the system and are broken which for me is the death knell ringing i worked so hard to get off them the last time and endured the zaps for months until i got right again, but, my life just goes round and round in circles. now i am a member of the walking dead dizzy, feint and almost incoherent, but sane enough to keep up an appeareance to make everything look fine.

the apathy has taken control, work is just a blur, it came to me that we really don't have lives per se ; we have existential existences which are called lives. like the wachowski brothers said ; we're not batteries per se to keep the machine alive but we are consumers of the system to keep the system alive. however the system is failing and so are the components of it (me) as society falls to bits alongside.

i'm an IT contracting scumbag who, hardly ever gets time off and when i do am made to feel guilty that i'm not getting paid so, is it any wonder i have great big ****ing walls up to protect myself. i'm tired, burned out and i've got nothing left to give. i want to work on my cars but the apathy has me tied down, am not excited by anything or anyone anymore and just want leaving alone.

like alot of you here, i'm fine, good, well thanks. i've changed my tune and ask people which answer they want when they ask. anyway, it doesn't matter too much as its only words and niceties that we go through.

@sneaky - yeah i watched that too. it really hit home. i could have done without the graphic bit but, can understand why it was done. hannah is my hero.